0-26

 Long time no see, I wish I had just great things to say, so we'll start with the good, I've been going to the gym for four days straight, my apartment is cleaner and arguably safe for humans to live in and I'm pretty close to snowbear,unfortunately that was the positive and I really wish this was just a caseof "internet persona goes missing because their life panned out" but I doubt anyone checks this after vanishing for so long so onto the not so great, I've nasically dwindled down to one friend that being snowy and I'm feeling it, dawg I am feeling it, I've continued my self harm and started slowly crawling back into my psychosis that I had managed to escape in my teens, good news is I wasn't drinking while going to the gy, also my fucking hormones are all outta whack cuz im a poor bitchwhich means couldnt get my stupid medication so thats..been fun.

So its just me and you again void, been in my head, reviewing a lot of my life to this point, this cycle is different for two reasons, first time I tried to seperate my "badthoughts" into another entity as if they were in my schizo logic evil thoughts being forced into my some greater dark that lurked under the entirety of humanity of course this was just schizo-posting since I don't mind taking responsibility formy thughts thats easier to control however it means accepting that my intrusive thoughts-turned-just-thoughts of extreme violence I have to accept deep down theres a part of me that wantsto collapse someones throat for breathing "Wrong" which Im told is psycho behavior but they're really fucking annoying , second part is im not as safe as I was the yearn for self destruction is so fucking engulfing I just...Don't know how to deal with it "go to therapy" BITCH I KNOW IM BROKE I've been using a shitty online text based RPG to subsitute for the lackofhuman interaction and like, I like them and im a faction leader and shit and I genuinely enjoy them but we aren't like...friends ya know? None of them even know my name NOR want to know my name which is fine.

Disclaimer I am with my trusty take the pain away friend and booze rn, probably the reason I reached out told myself to stop being cyclic, burned all my bridges which means when its a quarter after one and  i need someone to hold me there's...no one, thatson urpose I know its for the greater good but FUCK does it not feel good.

The knife is dull as shit, I tease it sometimes and cut lethal ways but it never catches enough for that apparently, has no problem tearing the rest of me up,  LIKE MY LAST BF AYYY

[I've never had a consensual top BF]

Its just realizing how unwell I've always been and just being...tired of being unwell? i told Charlotte at the start of the month "I think I only have a few months left" and then I have okay days, then im reminded its just me

its always just been me

I won't be saved, sure people will cry but I can't feel bad if that makes sense?

I'm not quiet, I let people know Im struggling and how much, but even with Lucky and stuff its just met with this apprehension and nervousness like they shouldn't approach me and reel back instead and its fine, no one wants to bethe one who defuses wrong and causes the bomb to get off, I get it but just makes me feel even more isolated?

Whatever I keep telling myself aim for a high score atleast, if you don't think you can beat the game atleast like..seehow long you can last, apartment is almost fully cleaned like..actually so I'll start working on the guitar again hope to get a few singles out before.

Car is still fucked, still hate my dad, brother is still a mess, mom I got no complaints honestly, I feel bad for everything ya know? I was't an easy kid,and I'm an even more useless adult. Friends got their own plotlines fully, I hear from them monthly now, Im not mad I'm not some tomagatchi you gotta watch or it dies, ateast don't want them to feel like that.All projects are basically dead, forcing myself to the gym and cleaning 3 things a day is my attempt to atleast...fucking try ya know?

Theres also this useless kid from a dating app from when I was on them for a spell that says im cool but dodges everytime  I try to hang ill probably remove him in a week, I cant do digital pixelfire.

Fuck didn't even watch the olympics everything feels so fake these days, I realize no one really knows me, I won't play totally innocent I have the most thin of veils between me and my deep but its...a centimeter thick no ones ever asked about...me, except for two people buit thats its own thing and it..just hurts because I would ask those questions to anyone cuz I CARE TO KNOW THEM and im just...not worthy? of being seen, not really anyways? I think about how my dad doesnt know any of these facts: He has a schizo BPD daughter who dealt with fighting both groomers and their own magical thinking for most of their youth, if this sounds like a pretty big character collection of traits to never notice..I'd agree but thatscuz he didn't want to notice them and just...fuck I can't mand, I don't know what game everyone is playing but its clearly incompatible I'm out here giving a shit like a FUCKING DUMBASS

I know im a one of a kind, is that the schizno delusions od granduer, the BPD, maybe something else, classic narcassicms sfwesfaes tf its spelled what I can tell you a lack of niche is hell.

Anywyas this is your damned Maid Malacoda Benefice,aiming for the high score, as long as I'm arounf I'll try to do a weekly update.

PS: To everyone who voted; "Show hole" DW Im tryna get in more shape so I can do a quick nudie show before I off myself that way theyre like limited edition pokemon cards ya know?

did you know cats go somewhere quiet and alone to die so they don't hurt anyone when they pass away, anyone know anywhere nice and cold?