0-24

Think we're approaching entering chapter [1] instead of prologuing indefinitely like some game that can't escape beta testing hell, my brain is fucking..soup [Soup is feminine, stew is masculine..is this how the french named everrything "I'd frot the table but I wanna cunnilingus  the chair"] considering i have about 500$ worth of substances in me [good fucking time, but you're not here for my joyous revelry are you, despite being patroned by Dionysus {Sub-sub piece here, Dionysus predates the greeks and is actually what could be considered pop-culture wise "An Old God" cuz humans love getting wasted, laid and having  a good time} and Hestia {once knew a bitch with the same name that killed herself like a fucking anime villian to make her EX boyfriend depressed, it worked poor kid} you're here to drink my misery and tears~] so my writing is worse than later and honestly by the time this is posted I'll probably been working on it for atleast two days.

Schedule for this post:
Introduce new character
Discuss fun upcoming things.
Discuss missed events
Side rants galore|

    So its no secret that I give unlimited second, third and twenty-eighth so much to the dismay of my gaggle of white women in my life, I've begun talking to my Ex again, two important clarifications NO.1 I did not reach out to her, she reached out to me and when we broke up she still lived with me for several months and owes me 3.5K$, so she's agreed to start paying that back and the reason we're talking is the Aussie she was dating got bored of her and broke up and she doesn't really have anyone to talk to since all her friends are children [not literally but she works fast food so they're all 18-21] and its been..intersting, she's matured a lot but more importantly to second clarification. I don't miss her, not in a denial sorta way I mean as in I already thought she moved to australia and was never gonna see her again and was..okay with that we had an ugly last year of our relationship, I'm okay being a friend and more importantly..I just love my current partner way more, she like gets me way more, and we like vibe a ton. I knowI didn't start his blog sounding like I liked Kit but somehow she's infested into me and I'm glad shes around, genuinely. But the new/ex girl entering is mostly stirring with Lucky who knew her and isn't happy with me, and ofc Kit assumes she's an evil Ex which she's not wrong when I was weaker sure but now she's harmless and kinda  loser who needs friends more improtantly...Kit and [establishing name now, too many fucking dog girls in my life cuz she's a dog girl too....] Alright  her name will be Loch, so yeah guess I'm becoming friends again with her she gets along nicely honestly wish we had never dated and met as friends, maybe in another life.

Side note: So mad at Snowy for crashing her motorcycle without her helmet she's fine but..I need her tot ake care of herself, god I always think I'm finally distant and heartless then things like this spiral me into full-ass mom mode. 

Side note: Theres like a hierarchy of intimacy when it comes to communication apps like Actual numbers --> Signal/telegram/whatsapp, etc --> Discord ---> Snapchat

Alright so lets talk about why I haven't posted in days, Charlotte. I've known Charlotte since 5th grade so around 12 years now and its always been a complicated, close and interesting friendship, we're both not great at being "PC" but Charlotte sometimes is getting to straight up hate territory never crosses the line but I bark at them anytime they're getting too close, only person I've met so far that can consistently intake substances as hard as me and not get too fuzzy [except for a handful of times that he doesn't even remember, and thats part of where the damage is from I guess all the mess, roar angry tranny faggot crying I've been doing the last days has been about that. When Charlotte gets drunk they tend to get...touchy, they've always been straight but they let that bar slip but...god my head melts just thinking about it into a pool of anger, the fucking like...TLDR is it was all a joke, "misunderstanding" or he was blacked out and can't recall so I have this entirely different version of Charlotte that they don't even know exists and they way they kept playing and flirting with me just 

Fuck, I knew better than to let you so goddamn close, you're a fucking skirt chaser and thats all you want out of life, saying bullshit like im your "Anchor" and no one understands you like I do but an alt girl comes in and gives you a smile and I'm back to my doghouse of your eternal third, cuz second is for whatever woman you're chasing and number one is you, you alone never compromising, if you like something its what we're all doing now someone else likes something make fun of it and dismiss.

I'm.....not doing hot, he's not like the epitome of evil, though I'd say he's the epitome of being a fucking narcissistic jackass who's playing solo mode not co-op, as long as you know who and what exactly he is then I guess he's...fine, I made the mistake of thinking we had a special bond, his touch and words weren't just a joke, that drunk Charlotte was saying things that sober Charlotte was feeling but couldn't address, it wasn't a personal delusional everyone around me thought the same cuz his actions and words but no. I misunderstood and that was my fault, he said he wasn't an asshole its my fault for not clarifying it wasn't ironic or being okay with his actions. Twelve years is a long time yet..it doesn't feel like theres a resolution to this, so many plans, secrets, closeness and I just...I cried, cried so fucking hard but what else? this had been building up, years of apologizing on his behalf, trying to explain away his behavior, dumb adventures where things go wrong and just the kinda subtle constant unapologetic disrespect, I'm glad I met him he helped me despite my whining gain a lot of most prominent beneficial personality traits, try new things and broke me from a shy boi to the maid you know today. Wonder if thats how some people feel about me honestly? I know it is, just because I helped people find themselves for the better doesn't make me less of an enemy of them and I've already mourned our friendships so many times for when he's wronged me lesser, so I don't know where currently I'm standing, I haven't blocked him on everythignl, changed his name, stopped being cute about him, he's a total egg like hardcore but who knows must be in mine and everyone elses fucking head too right? It doesn't really matter, he's gotten away with too much, from everyone for too long because he always pushes to hard, ignores boundaries and just can't ever fucking compromise/apologize and thats...fine? He's hot and he'll find people that'll be willing be able to stand his bullshit for him as for me, I don't think at this current impasse with who we both are, want, becoming there is any possibility for us, I'm done conceding and he's content with who he is.

So yeah probably gonna be angry crying a few....weeks on and off but I'm okay, kinda been thinking i should text Goldy I guess good thing I have none of their contacts, uh planned a two day trip with Snowy to gamble and drink we're also doing FINAL GIRL which is a TTRPG...for whatever its worth I auctually feel like coding/guitar more now that Charlotte is out of the picture, sometimes I feel like a fast and furious movie, overly dramatic and no one stays dead because I am seemingly infnite second chances. Uh Snowy and I are getting along great actually, Kits doing okay she's off her meds [Depression & sleep] a lil rough but I think thats good honestly....she hasn't really felt like proper emotions in a fat second.

Lets talk about Lucky, so we had a wild weekend while Charlotte was in town day one was a house party that honestly plotwise wasn't that important it was day 2 going to the emo clurb we used to frequent when we were still the I dunno Stray Dogs, Tigers, Party Animals our lil rotating band of dumbasses when we were still nothing but teeth and play so we went out together, we had to pick up some weed and while we were there the dealer had a laser engraver so a few days prior Lucky had picked up a collar and a "Spare" one and tags in matching colors for both, Charlotte was being a dick the whole time [surprise, surprise] but we went to the club we sung some songs together we tried to cheer up the DJ for the karaoke since she was done cuz fam stuff, and it felt nice....and like old times Charlotte was only around 50% of the time as she chased tail constantly lul.  So the night wraps up we drop Charlotte off [I know skipping the whole club scene :P not super important to the...vibe o0f this post] and we head back to her place and I was planning on just dropping her and leaving and...

I write this blog because i don't have anyone really to truly divest myself, to explore all my emotions, notions, fears and schizophrenic iotas but sometimes I worry I'm too exposed...Im not sure if its fear of this blog eventually finding its way to people who know me by proper name or perhaps maybe its a deeper fear composed of the fact I can't hide behind the temporary liquidity of my thoughts, where something too honest, too....real can vanish back into the sea of thoughts. Like all things in life is a mix of both ebbing and flowing which is the dominant reason I guess enough dancing around, all I ask of you my beloved void is a silent contract, you enter my domain to see me stripped of all my armor, barren and exposed and respect that, as you would expect anyone else to, not like me, not sympathize but simply accept.

I was meant to leave but we got distracted talking to her for hours upon hours. We finally discussed the deep bond, the yellow gold thread between the two of us that had been buried, painted white and plain for both our sakes, the words we were never meant to say, the exchanges that weren't to be thought of past the moments they occured in, the hurt we avoided but dealt anyways and forgave but through time we decided to try and relax into what..normal friends are, yet we constantly slipped so I told her 'I'm terrified to fall in love with you again" I do love and adore Kit, but Lucky was the last time I felt engulfed by it like a flame, where your body needs them, and I hid it not well but I hid it because I knew they didn't crave me back in a similar  way and did it hurt, by god did it hurt. So i laid myself honest for the first time, all of it and she returned the favor...then the question came, I can't say from which of us but more honestly from both "Do you miss it, and do we go back." adnwe ruminated before we realized day was breaking and I was too tired to drive home anyways so we talked more inside and I've always said "I'll hurt you, and you'll hurt me and thats okay because thats how we grow together" using my own damn qoutable line against me...so we settled, with more awareness, deliberateness and willingness to fail we became a nameless pact once more, a strange golden thread wrapped across the two of us and I did miss her, I din't realize how much or how much she missed me and had been craving our pact,  I always assumed [this is funnily enough in contrast to Charlotte] I had made up our closeness in my head and I was misinterpeting everything so for the first time I broke my conquerors vow and let someone collar me as I collared her too, only fucking dog girl I can stand and I'll ruin earth in her name.

Thats caught up, I'll do smaller update ones inbetween since I can't see anything dramatic happening I know q alot of it was cut short but theres also a lot I can't articulate and I won't lie I'm kinda emotionally stunted right now because of the whole Charollete shattering 12 years of built bond. But win a forbidden bond with your dog, lose a bond with your oldest ally. so is the winds of life.

Aight fuck off losers, I've been at this for three days because of the volatility and done with this drama lul I'll update later.

Sincerely yours, Clicker-Trainer Sanzabooku the Maid

 Post amendment:

"It will end in blood and fire, but god there was so much love, and what's life without that?"

Also Eevee, I miss you too but we don't mix well, please don't reach out again atleast not until we figure some stuff out.