Update - 3

So this account's like "partially recovered"  so thats cool, I'vew been like half posting on the new hub and I've just been thinking this blog has probably been good for me, even though I'm sure theres only like one bot that keeps refreshing my pages as it scrapes all data of me and thats where my views come from the false-sense of parascoiality is still there so between hre and the Ace site I'll porbably still sporadically post im excited so yes [show hole] os...fuck tomorrow already spooky shit I did get a new maid dress so not the worst, uh lets see what else I'm friends again with Charlotte not best friends...we're okay though its...a lot I won't lie I did have a suicide plan this new years but then I accidentally told Kit and Charlotte when drunk obviously they weren't happy so I'm tryna be normal but FUCK its hard whn it feels like you're literally incompatible with the universe ya know?

linkto.run/p/W0NSIK2K

Also thats just a small link so I can grab some opinions lul, I dunno I think as much as I wanted to disconnect from the internet cuz I was basically raised on it due to busy hating eachother divorcee parents there's something nice about the false warmth of the lil pixels that make y'all up [and yes I mean my one data crawler probably from google and now all my ads are gonna be for Zoloft because I said the "S" word out loud and we're in the post-speak part of 1984 and im supposed to say "sewer slide" and ""unalive" while they have their comedic places it does show a stranglehold on our minds and hearts] so maybe I'll be online a lil more, gotta nyways for a second I spent the last two years in a constant maelstrom of everyones drams and problems, lots of love, blood, sweat and tears and while all of it was fucking glorious.

 Its over. 
And I'm not getting hung up on what could've and maybe should've been.

I miss some people intensely especailly as the year closes but..thats it isn't it? Not in the narcisitic way of "well its a two way street they can reach out themselves" just, maybe DONT be scared to make new friends or as much as it makes you wanna deepthroat that 12G be okay just being you...I don't fucking know but thats the point its some dumbass avante garde freeform script where they wrote the lines down in a made up langauge and didn't teach any of the actors to read. S oI'll probably be posting more, and online more gotta make that fucking website been finding dumb small things to do to try and keep me wanting to be here but fuck, O'void of mine do I feel the reasoning slipping between my fingers I used to wake up and be in right mind instantly now it takes an hour to redraw where my delusion begins and fantasy ends, I'm not excited for what this forbodes. Everyone is decent now, they got their next chapters we can't choose how long we're in someones story and sometimes being relegated to their sidelines is fine, don't be furious cuz it wasn't you ya know? All the main characters you've met till now are basically setm not in a bad way they just have their own lives and I'm the consistent varaible here, me. So maybe Sanza has got to sit down and face that lil part of her, the one they claimed they already fixed and sure, its not as horrendous, doesn't whisper in the night how im never enough but it still yearns, yearns to be loved in a way we can't, as if I was prey, soft and weak. But thats not how people see me, they see certainity, strength, stability, the anchor, the shoulder, the ground. So I must play my role, I can't force anyone to see me as injured because I guess I'm not..perception of group reality and all that. Fuck...this was just meant to be like one paragraph top, bvut shit dawg I dont have anyone tot alk to, my mom is proper single for the first time wants a rich man [she has lined up] and wants to be not a mom for the first time in her life and who the fuck am I to stop that? Get that story queen, my dad has made me and my sibling the villians in the story and its our fault we're nueordivergent fucks that are difficult so its not his fault he went no contact and says we're the assholes for not begging for his attantion. Uh we already know my friends I truly love them all but..they got their own shit, yeah its just me and you, The Big Empty I mean I guess you were always there now I've just given you a name, a fake body and sat you down. Oh I saw Everything, Everywhere all at Once honestly it was a great film its been awhile since I've seen something I've enjoyed so vivdly, made me cry like a bitch but is that surprising anyone? Anyways I gotta pick up my life/fix my bills I wasn't planning on making it past the 31st but now here I am...its funny how mad everyone will be at you killing yourself yet no one wants to catch you on the way down isn't it, we'll see how long I make it maybe thats what I shoulda made the poll about X3.

Anyways Unforunately yours, SanzatheMaid

Ill be trying to make more of an appearance till I can't.

Post Ammendum: I think I officially can't do cycles anymore, anytime someone leaves or is so...different that they're settled and established into their new lives I'm okay letting go, selfishly so.I wan't to be a metamorphic being of infinite change not a creature damned to a samsara of its own making. I'm sorry I couldn't be what any of you wanted but I can't do round tables anymore, I want to give myself atleast a secondary death if I can't give myself a primary one, a cutting of the chain, severing the chain of memory that links [###] to the present me, Mal or Sanza pretty interchangeable, I chose the name because it doesn't inspire anything sure you might get vague notions but its enough of a non-name and nondiscernable object that it doesn't mean anything...which is what I want. New years approaches closer and I can't help but want to destroy anything that every contained even an Iota of my presence, Voidling I'm so god damn tired of existing it takes all my effort not to cry every waking moment, im tired of being broken