Update-2

 I think the estrogen is starting to get to me I had the gayest fucking thought the other day it was "maybe its not so bad that men smell/taste kinda salty" Fucking KILL ME also just feeling softer I'm not sure I like how it feels like my rage, edge...bite is being gently pulled from my fingers its still there but its softened maybe I need to let go a little but I guess I just wanted it to be on my own time realistically was that time ever coming though? In my dreams I actually look like myself, which is a first fucking had Highheel Carharts X3 ya know for the month I've had the most amount of THC in my body instead of no dreams they only got more wild and vivid which seems to be the opposite reaction of whats supposed to happen. 

    Other things that happened another maid started following my Soundcloud so can't play around anymore gotta actually produce I've been even if its light indoctrination its kinda the sort of push I need, feeling part of a community even if I'm covered in quills is how I best process and produce like when I used to actually draw [Which fucc I was supposed to do that today thats what Lucky wants for christmas], make TTRPGS/TCGs and any other outlet not great at soloplay a little admittedly codependent but not lethally so, oh my finances might improve shortly if it keeps steady I can finally increase my doses! I mean honestly while the explicit stuff is mostly to force me into shape [I know, I lied I didn't post but thats cuz im sick as a dog so theres nothing even posted up] if I got like ennough monthly support on there to pay for my meds that'd be based and I'd look cuter so its a win-win. I've just been turbosleeping all week tryna get over the illness all week also Puppy Paladin finally got out of the honeymoon phase and remembered we're friends so while miffed it is nice to actually talk and see them again and they have a slew of TCGs they wanna get me into so obv I have to get them into Vcard [its only a joke because it has no dedicated singles supplier or database which even if its a jokey hornypost is a HUGE miss] so gonna get into Riftbound and tryna teach Snowy Yugioh but her 70 IQ is showing [with love, nah we're gonna try later she has this guy who's courting her and so shes a lil preoccupied but if youth isn't for the folly of infactuation and lust what good is it for?] so I'm excited for her on that front, things are on a slow upswing the chalice of debt is being emptied into fortune now and I'm excited for this chapter I think new years ironically will be "New me" between my literal biochemistry changing, my psyche adjustment [also had an idea for "two-fold" power system where every power has an A and B sidegrade/effect but has a physical and psyche consequence for symbolism BS as well as balancing for actual fun interactions] while not all of it is great I feel like I'm slowly reaching the "near" of who I am, of course when I reach it Ill still continue to grow, traumatize and mutate in the ways all living things do but theres a certain central peace im finding, perhaps thats why my rage for the first time feels like an echo of someone elses for once my death isn't a violent shattering explosion its just a fade and gentle rest into a new form whatever that may be..being aware of your own fragility and how thin our actual line to reality is sometimes is frightening, I'm not sure if I'm naive and never ego-death'd or just used to the ebb and flow of it that its not as terrifying the understanding that between my vessel-body and that which inhabits it is a nonbinding contract, that either can change at a whim and by careful connection they are assocaited but not bound. Or I'm just a shizo beautiful princess X3 LEts see besides that...oh bought Cyberpunk 2077 for the Xbox[1] and then got told it was incompatible so KMS, honestly I got a bluesky but never post cuz I kinda prefer the long format of this blog over quips im not clever enough for gotcha banters though once I start producing [as they've said for the thousandth time] prolly be smart to broadcast myself there. 

Anyways apologies my beloved void that I haven't been posting as much was kinda metamorphisizing and that takes a lot of time and effort, I'll probably tack more onto this later until nextime your Volatile Bride, Sanzabooku the Maid