0-25

     I'm not gonna lie I'm not totally back into my head but I need to actually get back to this cuz FUCK  a lots happening and the longer I wait the less I'll be able to actually catch you up my beloved void [also who the fuck are all of you @^@ not that I mind the extra eyes or company just caught way off guard lul]so where to fucking begin uh , AH, AHHH ah fuck alright I exist again so my normal answer dictates chronologically , however I'm also very jumpy with my thoughts still so it'll be to best ability then so gonna scaffold this real quick:

Part one: Affinity upkeep. |  Part Two: Specific Events | Part Three: Schizo-posting time
Loch                                     |  Sitcom ass work-friends   | Idk, I don't think its scheduled past this.
Kit                                        |  The Run                              | Catch up on Snowy/lucky event
Snowy                                  |  I'm Rave/Not Goth            |
Charlotte                             |  Small things    |

Alright now that I've created the worst schedule [I don't know how to format so fucking rip to mobile users, to enjoy Sanza rants to the best of my ability I usually format for desktop also thats what I was called in highschool ayy..desk er' top] so stop fucking procasti- [I lied, needed to pop open spotify {yes I know they're evil (Yes I know using the evil corpo because they are convienient doesnt absolve me) but I use it because for the majority its easy to find the music I like and the blend feature, which speaking of which I should send a blend link to snowy} cuz music to lock in is important, or I think this is a lie that all procasitnators have agreed onto so that in a fragile treaty we can say its valid] so LOCH, an ally turned enemy, turned ally turned...you guessed it, enemy because if theres one thats consistent in my Braindead-Princess-Disorder life its cycles, whether I like it or not it seems the wheel turns, however never quite the same way twice. Anyways we were chilling, she was moved in for a week bween her old and new apartments [which thankfully unlike the insurmountable debt she currently owes me she actually paid for] and hanging with her let me realize how much the wheel hasn't been turning for me, its been thread, sure it frays and sometimes it reweaves a similar path but like a tapestry I feel..different, an irrevokeable change so yeah it wasn't awful having her live-in for a second but good lords I would never date her again and defo prefer her as a friend but not really my problem since she got interested in a virgin [She's gonna be a terror when she enters her late 30's she already  loves collecting virginities, once she milfs-up good lord I fear for any dumbass "kids" {kids in this context is 18+}] anyways she told the kiddo about our friendship  and he felt threatened and she wants his dick so she's blocked me on everything which is...fine, honestly? It was kinda fun just getting the extra play outta her and catching up and seeing the ways we both grew up but also.

  I want my goddamn money, and if she keeps vanishing everytime a virgin hole appears without any warning or farewell and DEFO no fucking plan to actually pay back her debt I rather just have her doing her own story.

That being said, if she were to show up after they breakup because it turns out dating virgins that don't even know their actual wants and personalities yet is a recipe for disaster...huh, I don't think I've taken anyones virginity, I had a chance once but it wasn't the right call and especially how things played out I think it was without a doubt the right move to not take advantage. But yeah on the Loch front kinda covers it there was some more drama mostly that she was from the olde days and both Lucky and Kit didn't like her..which is a way to get into the next topic.

    Kit, oh good lord. so big context I think a few weeks ago now we got into this tiff cuz its been a long time since she's held an actual job and between her only sleeping so we never even hung out or talked, lack of ambition or want which held back the ways I wanted to grow [also today Ill be posting my only-clans link so have fun perverts], they genuinely didn't receive or really care for my emotional needs and didn't contribute with finanaces and everyone else was out of any empathy for them so I was out of my emotional rope so i told them they NEED to get a job..to which they immediately [usually avoid this word cuz I always forget how to spell it] decided we need to go on b- alright dog im gonna get back to this I can't be sober. Well its been a few days and I spent thos unsober-ized yes, I forgot to do the thing I needed to do destroyed but its fine I'm all good processing it. I do care for Kit, a lot which is why it isn't fun i can't feel safe or secure in her, so yeah the whole I tried to just talking to her about I need help I feel like I am on my own was instantly met with an instant need for a "break" silent treatment, packing her bags, scourning me, going to the curb, realizing that she didn't want to face her mom deal with being around her parents again, came back to the apartment decided we were "un-break'd" and went back as if nothing happened kinda avoiding what I had said which didn't feel great..honestly and foreshadowed/prompted. [Also I was thinking about it I think a lot of my social turmoil comes from being so vital/essential to people but not necesarry or seen/apprecaited] us actually taking a break prompted by me a week later, I guess it was the fact that me saying I needed help was met with fucking breaking up with me until Kit realized it was inconvienent to be seperated THEN decided that she wanted to be together and as much as I adore her that sent me down a spiral, so I sent her to her parents and I was trying to be helpful, compasionate help her pack if she wanted or anything but no she just yelled at me, yelling and yelling and even though she's back in the house cuz she finally got a job [tenuously at best she's already skipped a day for sure and possibly a second] its not like I...can forget that friction and instant turncoat of feelings because even with turmoil I didn't suddenly like hate her or anything I just can't support her so...we'll see how that goes she is the most seen in a few ways I've felt in a relationship but I don't feel safe in it ya know? That's just where I'm at on that front, she still oversleeps and she's starting to help with some chores but for how long? Long enough to let the annoyance "reset"? Is this really the fucking cycle I wanna be stuck in? Lords help me, sometimes I wish I stayed a dragon. Right so clarification she faked a break then a week later we broke for about a week until she finally got a job [which she hasn't in nine months "looking daily" even though as soon as we broke she found one like that..which doesn't really inspire security] and now we're in a fragile relationship yay...

    So onto Snowy, uh we're getting along pretty well though our friendship languages have a lot of clashes, not like damning ones but defo might cause some friction down the line but beyond that we're getting in a decent synch with eachother she's as much of an enabler and enjoyer of vices as me so theres a lot we vibe with there last time we spoke I think we said pretty much the same things I need to not take a literal month for an update next time but there was a lot of social drains and things fucking up my head so couldn't get to it, anyways this section is gonna be short because a lot of the following stories star Snowy anyways.

    Charlotte, well they're not going to CoF anymore or are so wish washy about it theres no point on planning around it but thats pretty much always been how it is around them, they're staying in touch enough but it doesn't feel like theres that yearning or want to hang anymore its just...we've known eachother for over a decade and aren't like ENEMIES so no point in not staying in touch but thats it, I don't see him as like another half, a packmate not out of anger of how things went down but I was creating and maintaining a lot of super structure to be close and override some of his walls and for what...the lesson here is just because you can angle yourself in such a way to get past peoples barriers than they usually let people or get to know them deeper doesn't mean its worth it, that wedge, splinter the way you've crept in is something you'll have to constantly maintain, pursue and want to exist because like any wound it'll close unless kept agape and it'll close right around you and you'll drown out...so thats the skill im learning is just because I can fanagle closeness with people and it feels nice to genuinely know them...maybe theres a reason everyone else is so skin deep with themselves and others, maybe thats just something thats not meant to be felt or seen.

 I'm just exhausted.

Yeah I think thats all my socials, my brother pimped me out basically to emotionally help his friend who's dealing with a leach of a partner didn't appreciate that, I think I already said how my father has completely depossessed me and my sibling not because we commited some great sin but because he just wants his new family and we're in the way//so thats based AF, kill myself and then my mother is uh..still herself she's a great mom as long as you don't have to lean on her because if you do she's taking a step back and your ass is hitting the concrete. Yeah...lack of stability [EVER]  is probably where all the fun parts of my personality come from, online wise I haven't been really maintaining any of those friendships but they really aren't wanting, not that they dislike me but you can feel  how much someone wants you to try like you can feel when someone wants to be talked to daily by you or you can vice versa feel when someones whole connection needs is just not being enemies, communication optional not that these needs cant grow or lessen through events, talks and other variables but you get what I mean I don't think I have any online friends that care if we even interact honestly. Plus I think I need like if its out of..10, 0 being the not being enemies but dont need to talk as the minimum and 10 being needs a response within the 10 minute period and just kinda hinged on ya like a 3 for friendships? I just can't do not really assocaited at that rate I rather not pretend to be friends not cuz they did anything wrong just my own needs.

Part two: Adventures

So I "promised" [wrote in the itinerary]  to write about the outings but obviously should've done them while they were fresh so we're getting the sparknote ones instead so rip anyone that wanted in depth debauchery tales.

    Or maybe not, I think I need a soft reset. Sorry about that I just need to get back onto this horse and onto all my other ones so lets get back to aspiring.

Your short-winded, disillusioned wanna be darling, Sanzabooku the Maid.

[Linktree will have the new link]

Auxiliary thoughts; Maybe I should start streaming.