0-23

    So I actually revised this post is gonna just be a contemporary "Here's what happened since you last saw this show" recap but then I had a minor schizo-fit and my personaity/idenity/memories got turned into Chrysalis Juice and poured into a blender so yesterday I was hardcore just lowkey shattered not...dramatically like while my emotions ran hot in all directions it had no duration or substance just a slow drip of notions, partial memories, feelings, remembering people I forgot that I forgot. Still picking up pieces today I'm very much "my feline armor has been sundered to reveal a quivering wide-eyed rabbit" underneath kinda beat. I feel...unusually soft, I don't have my rage, fangs or claws right now they'll come back, they always do I feel passive and kinda dumb tranny fem-pilled I don't really care to voice train but my voice is all soft cuz I got no bite behind it, no clever retorts. Ah whatever, we all need a vacation from ourselves ya know? Honestly think I needed it, like clearing the cache and ram outta a system, like sure I forgot a lot of things for current goals and projects but I also don't feel as grudge'y and haunted so, win some - lose some.

    So now to the recap part of my blog for the week had two halloween parties, one was Lucky's and the other was a friend of Kit's, Seraph bleh, [Don't worry gonna go through them in a sec], Think we talked about Puppy Paladin? and hangin with snowy. Oh and complaints about furry artist  [oh and hallow-fur][I know, me complaining about the saints of the artistic internet?] think that covers all that so I'll get started on my recap! [oh and PRJT posts announcement]

    So the first halloween party was held by Lucky sadly couldn't stay too long or get wasted because I had work later [Which is better than I think it was last...tuesday? Drank a lil with Snowy and Kit thank drank a lil more and ended up having to be dropped off at work cuz I couldn't drive >.>' not my proudest moment but I wouldn't be your Sanza if I was only good choices now would I?] but on that Lucky is a lil weed hound so I was a lil high when I got to work unfortunately...ever think about how fake we have to be now? Cuz of digital footprint if you wanna be "Somebody" you have to mask with constant anonymity if you wanna have anything that isn't a purist -whateverthecurrentpoliticalpartybeleivesiscorrect Type jazz and no I'm not advocating for "there's no humor anymore cuz me punching down isn't celebrated" if you're only punching down you're a dick and bully [not really that complicated bucko] that being said some sideways and occassional well-tasted punch downs can be fine, I think its complicated and nuanced and people who want to abuse the "nuance" part of it so they can be shitty hang onto that fact which then makes it so we have to stonewall it and treat all punch down humor as monolithically bad because a handful people can't help but exploit anything  they see. This stands for all things, laws, games, social concepts, social approaches ETC, the preyful make society uncohesive but perhaps thats a requirement I mean we constantly make media of how boring "perfection is" though thats more an open discussion than a finite answer sorta discussion. Anywho so the party was alright it was mostly all tranny/queer folks, but believe it or not when I know nobody I'm actually kinda shy so the first part till I can really hang with Lucky was just me kinda milling around also I thought more people were gonna be dressed up, wasn't so bad I stuck out like a thumb but certainly enough I was super obvious but overall great party met some cool folks, gotta hang with Lucky was proper fun and she might come to Fet-night [like 25% but thats how all bonus characters are] [For Sanza: what separates a "bonus character" from someone who's lack of communication makes you get BPD like a loser, answer: lack of fear of abandoment, sincerely if I know I matter for that person for me to just pop up in their mind and them reach out on their own (consistently depending on relationship type) is pretty much what it is, kinda why my roundtable doesn't send me spiraling too much and usually the issues come from other facets] any other bonuses from that day...? From the party no but left late so ended up in my work uniform still in full makeup [generally as a rule I only doll up if I' going to be visible for four or more hours work not included] so didn't have any makeup wipes and was wearing my tights under my work clothing and my panties kept slipping. wasn't super great (gotta love that digital pawprint huh?) thankfully seems the tranny in clear makeup made it actually easier to deal with onsite unruly guests than normal, new intimidation tactics unlocked perhaps? So fun night, good catch up let me ofiically un-BPD process Lucky and be Fucking normal for five goddamn seconds of my life  and put them in the more bonus character/round table bin which is is good and no ones really ever fallen out of the Bonus character/round table its just their life takes a new direction or we peacefully end [believe it or not while not common I can end peacefully] and thats pretty much that day!

    Pre-side tangent: Chainsaw katanas need to be a thing and I deserve one. Wish I could join a cyberpunk 2020 or had friends interested in that system

    Side tangent: The loss of ownership. So I keep hanging with Snowy cuz she's Based & V.Cool but her main hobby thats not private or anything is antiquing and I've actually been having a blast we been even mixing Cassettes and gonna start making some CDs for King. But theres just this sense of  you don't own shit everything is EULA's and subscriptions hell even movies on sub-services are getting their soundtracks changed cuz the original license deal for the songs in the soundtrack expires and why the fuck would they renew that? Plus just death of smaller shows and projects that if not demanded enough they just pull from all  services just like fucking that, gone into straight aether so I'm probably gonna start preserving media that interests me in old non-distributive formats [There's that digital pawprint again, to live risk free is to live censored] [Also proud of everyone's protest on no kings days, proud of y'all] and I don't know I'm feeling it though, oh the side-tangent primer was about Cyberpunk 2020 becaquse in the TTRPG AI's flood the internet and assault it causing it to collapse to a local network only kinda world and while the AI isn't evil its defo killing the internet as it stands right now. For greed reasons not even a cyber-war we might end up in a local-only world anyways isn't that funny?

    Onto party day no.2 Which is the second time I've been in my ALT-version of my maid uniform because I usually wear fishnets but since I haven't had a deep shave I don't feel comfortable in fishnets atm [automatic teller machine] so sprucing up that version a lil more, less green focus more monochromatic, speaking of which need to re-dye my hair its turning full blonde again also apparently my unit gains [MENACE] as a stat line when drunk as all my friends have agreed while they don't mind it, I am loud and scare people who don't know I'm harmless apparently when I'm drunk, I'm just a playful big cat i promise my claws are retracted ;-; I digress, so Kit's friend is having a party as aforementioned so we end up going, she's always worried about running late but to her credit I am always late to everything -w- so we make sure to get there one time so we're the first to show up its a lil awkward and Kit only knows the host so we're milling around shyly and its bring your own booze so I wasn't sure how the sharing rules were working [ended up being all booze is free game, and then that's when the real drinking began] it was slow but sure, there was another tranny there but they were the sort thats "Im passing now so I don't hang with queer facing folks" so fuck em' did meet this super based communist chick though we hit it off and unfortunately as an ex-ex-smoker got her hung on the "Its not a relapse its a rematch" Motto but more the merrier no? Honestly no "notes" from the party it was just Sanza being Sanza, slight playful menace trapping people into enduring my drunk tangents about how cool bees and honey are, tryna learn about them...oh this guy in an overly fuzzy wizard outfit [pimp wizard I ended up getting everyone to call him] was super cool too, had a great time and Kit even drank with me!! Which made two times in one week~ I'm glad I feel guilty when we go out drinking cuz she's used to babysitting people who aren't fun problematic...like actually need to be able to drive away at anytime kinda, but she's finally relaxing and while drunk Kit is a pervert I like her a lot being vulnerable and real with me, makes me worry less and think we can hang a fat second ya know? Life is complicated, its never the characters you think in the roles you think. Daw look at me, going soft. I only do glacial romances, thats a known fact or their more accurate name "oh fuck when did we start dating?" for now...I think thats all.

    Uh so Puppy Paladin I know our ★drama★ [I need to memorize some unicode, I FUCKING LOVE UNICODE] but its died down, I'm just leaving the door ajar for them but I've mourned my bit and done plenty of inviting, talking ETC, cuz the thing is...they're happy? Like the jokes is I pick up losers to be my friends and stuff but if there's no room for me cuz they go their life squared away in the way they like well then...didn't I do my job? thats all, no more screaming, anger, remorse, sorrow ecetera its safe to say this chapter from my end is closed, they're welcome in whenever they want but I don't feel the need to make that happen. Thats all, just resolution they also gave me some bagel bites today so whats the point in being angry? They were invited to the big prowl on the 25th but ultimately up to them if they join at all

    So we basically already covered Snowy with bits and pieces throughout this posts plus the mentions are already gonna be more lowkey cuz we more just casu hang out ya know? which leads on  to furry artist omfg if another pops into my discord with a door to door salesman pitch cuz they saw I was attending an upcoming event I swear to god I am putting their fucking head through a wall, I don't care how low your discount is I'm basically a tourist I have a soft spot for furries but I really don't qualify as one by any degree. Anyways rant over it was just that to be honest uh...thats caught up and I'm still inpieces I'm tryna pick up overwhelemd by syneth-sensory fuck upery.

    WE ARE FINALLY [ALMOST] DOne so sorry thi8s post was so long I actually deleted the whole thing twice cuz it din't feel right, so a new tab will be added thats PRJT the PRJT tabs are just text projects of mie like short stories, TTRPG or TCGs since I work best when observed and stop procastinating them to death.

    Alright, all yours radiant and full of youth & vigor, Sanzabooku the Maid.