0-22

     You're a goddamn hypocrite ya know that? You're always bitching about your receptiveness to rejectionhow you need constant assurance and affirmations but then what? Two months of not talking to me proper, I constantly reach out to you tryna talk or hangout and I get "sorry busy with BF" and you just...expected our friendship to fucking wait, say how I've given you and shown you so much that you can never repay but just remembering I fuckin' exist? Ah...thats too much huh. I don't give a shit okay, I already fucking mourned, bargained, attempted to ressucitate our friendship and it din't work alright? I'm not even fucking mad at you as a person and believe it or not I'm happy for you I'm happy I helped you figure out who the fuck you were and got you to the places you need to be but we aren't fucking friends. Then you tell me you're actually doing great  with all your other friends, fixed all the mistakes, patched the misunderstandings but can't shoot me a god-damn text huh? Not even just a wassupand I'm sure I'm the asshole now, I'm sure since I couldn't pretend to keep it cool and maybe wounded you that doesn't matter because while you forgot me I was mean and thats worse! Fuck we wern't even friends in the first place, I don't have freinds I have people that I notice are approachable make myself available and true and then they keep me around but as soon as they get people that are their actual vibes they leave and leave they always do, its happened with many, so god damn many before and it'll keep happening even with Kit. Its beyond tiring. I always end up as this sacrificial token where I helppeople find their goddamn path in life and in life's ironic script the currency for their new life is basically shooting me in the back of the head. I know some of it is just the BPD talking but the BPd doesn't...lie it just makes things turned up to 15. I'm tired of being a beast of sacrifice...anyways I win, told ya it'd play out this way then you, like everyone else said you wouldn't let it play out that way that you were a more sincere friend [like fucking echoes of everyone before you, I stopped you sand said actions not words] then you said you'd show me with your actions. I'm sure you're not even going to really confront me on what I said despite being "Someone who fixes things then and there" maybe tomorrow when we're forced to see eachother you might say something...my money is on you just avoiding me though. Can fix your cold war- I'm done, its just gonna go in circles.

    Its not really you thats making it this way, everyone of you seems to have rejection syndromes but I can't remember a time I felt..safe? Home? These days is closest I guess but I'm always reminded how fragile it always is, that everyone else is allowed to crumble and lash except me,I guess I cut too deep or I'm the pillar. Always one to reachout and such..I gotta be fair Lucky reaches out sometimes too easy t drown in ourselves and reduce our misery to a couple of umbrella sentences and ignore the nuance and complexes of our miseries. Though Lucky hasn't talked to me in weeks, reached out to them because can't bitch and be ahypocrite, atleast try to be better than that.I'm gonna drink myself to sleep and hope the angst runs out of me by tomorrow because I know I can't be anwry or unpalpatable thatif confronted I have to be theone also for some god forsaken reason the one willing to fix it and find agreements

Side note: german beer sucks, its not alcohol to drink its fucking food...like bread, its meant to fill you up no wonder they're all so chubby from this shit.

So I guess while i destroy a six pack [Yeah im Poly, polly gonna destroy this six pack] I'll rant to you, I mean you simutaneously can't judge me yet the individual pieces of you that make up are only judgement. Charlottelikes this album [Your city gave me asthma] she's an edgy girl but..I gotta check it out.  So you gotme for an hour~ tho I'm a sad girl who's drowning in BPD angst so I'd say thats closer to a punishment than anything else.

    So lets meet me, Sanza then- since someone's gotta since no one really asks about me...I gotta always kinda ascribemyself to everyonesince no one asks I'm usually okay with it when I'm bad its...different maybe I always feel this way and my mask hides me from myself even till this day, maybe it just dials it up way more than I think. Who knows.  I wanna say I miss having someone to rely on, lean on...but I can't think of anyone, like at all you'd think "oh charlotte, she's been around a decade shemust be reliable" She's reliable for telling me "World sucks, get over it, shrug it off and get stronger"yet that sentiment is never reversedand I'm always ready to care and listen to her. What's new? There's a reason no one actuallylikes her for me or my health thought that doesn't mean anything no one I know likes eachother. Its kinda exhausting, helps that feeling of me always playing arbiter. So yeah...always been the caretaker in relationships/friendships. Kit is the first I don't have to but thats cuz she's just kinda...turned off the intimacy part of her brain off due to getting hurt and I get it but it means I don't really feel seen when I'm small and vulnerable, when my claws and fangs come off and I lose the hunt,from a predator to s tiffled rabbit, shaking so hard its heart might burst under the weight of existing. Not sure if its I hatemyself or if I hate being myself. Also side note: think the right side of my spacebar is fucked up. I don't have a lot of warm memories to bundle myself up in, i have an okay clutch but its always followed by why that didn't work out. I miss going to TF with you Charlotte, thats all this shitty barely carbonated third reich ass alcohol reminds me of. I try not to be trapped chasing memories of warmer times, Can't progress if you don't look foward right? Igot daddy and mommy issues, even though we're good right now when I ended up in haweewee herwords to me were "If you die out there, I won't feel bad" so even though she's medicated now I have more than a fistful of memories of her abrupt coldness, fuck I fearI'm just the same dragon cosntantly.  Same rage, sorrow, boiling. Think I try to subconciously isolate myself cuz I know what I am, a catastrophy waiting to happen

    I got the nickname "The Cat" cuz my "feline tendencies" but I'll tell you really why I have the name, when I was a babey small and whimpering my mother had a cat named Micro, damn she loved that cat but I popped out so innately the kitty was jealous, one day so jealous despite me being under a year old leaves a big ol' scratch down the side of my face, overestimating its value the cat lashed out and was promptly exiled into the winter. Probably died. Same for me I imagine people keep always saying how mcuh I do, mean and I make the cat-like mistake of believing them and like the cat I make the mistake of not being pretty and perfect and before I knowit I'm in the snow. Thats why I'm the cat, just a fool with enough lives to die over and ovver [starting beer two] [doing dishes cuz kit sucks at chores, adore her regardless] [done]

    Speaking of being an unreasonable human being [me, I'm the unreasonable human being] stopped talking to Eevee no fallout or anything like that this time...we just aren't compatible people I like to be friends with my friends if you get what I mean? If we're on speaking terms proper hang out atleast once a month especially if we don't live that far away lul but if we do atleast keep a weekly correspondence I kinda do close friends or acquitances I know thats not the healthiest paradim but acknowledging it is better than pretending I can handle other flavors offriendship and then be surprised when they fall apart, something-something know thyself before you become your own enemy. I'll miss them, sincerely but I think its better I stop doing this self destructive cycle for both our sakes, no ifs/ands butt and honestly I'll probably distancemyself from Texas soon as well.

    Snowy is barking [Do bears bark...?] to post this cuz they wanna read this like some kinda emotional perv and I still got a beer and some magarita mix to go, and we always reach the finish line in this court.

    Unstably yours, Sanzabooku the Maid.