0-19

     I've been lulled between states, all my emotions are burning too hot in all directions I feel like I'm coming undone. As for my work I was a part time supervisor, pitched a fever at the meeting I wasn't complacent like my kin, I demanded resolutions for the problems plaguing our site and I didn't yield so now I've been "given the tools" but also an overwhelming responsibility to single handedly renew my shift and bring them to a new standard. This is a pointless task in a dead end nowhere job for nobody narcissist to feel like their peaking at middle management is something to be celebrated and drunk on. Now I;m caught in their dumb games they require constant updates and directly seek me [with the hopes of punishing on my failure] for every minor issue on the shift that is normally a rug sweep for the other shifts. I won't lie probably not great for me in my current state but I'll be damned if I lose to them.

    I used to fear my mother when I was an adolescent and younger, she was a complete dragon, emotions boiling constantly, always dissatisfied, clever, sharp and cunning, unruly and disregarded the notions of society, I have a lot of respect for some of those attributes but I recall the distance, cold and fear I felt from them as well. I approach the same age as her during her dragon era and it seems its come for me too, I  hope I can approach it with better tools, manage it more but I feel so overwhelmed, i think I'll talk to her later this week candidly about it so far when I discuss the same traits I've suffered as her she's received it with sympathy.

    I'll get more fun again soon I promise, I have no idea how long this spiral will last for or how deep it'll go, nor can I promise  I'll remain in all honesty but I will do my best, I know when I am better mindset I'd find this self loathing and pitying pathetic, so by measuring by my previous spoke I find it pathetic still and need of correction.

   Changes: Zoomer --> Snowbear [or SB]

    On the positive despite my best efforts to not befriend Snowbear it has happened though to be fair I convinced some fellow supers to vote her for employee of the month because I would've been struggling much more without her help, plus I AM locked in a box with her for basically 3-8 hours depending how busy the day is, so makes sense. I tried to be aloof but she's far too talkative for that too work, so I guess we'll see how this goes I don't have high hopes but I'll chalk that up to my spiraling than correct assessment of the situation, so I guess I have hope for the future upcoming. I hate about spiraling the most is I'll let people [close ones mind you not tryna throw myself a pity party] my situation and struggle and all it does is inspire them to keep distance, can't blame them people befriend me for my high energy and playful personality not because they wanted to take care of me when I'm low, can't be helped. I'll get better beloved void but there probably won't be a proper daily post blog for a second I'll try to keep the ALT ones consistent in the meantime. Despite my pool of negativity and even though you're an extension of nothing, having someone to talk to has helped a lot. No ones really bother to ever catch me, so ina  parasocial relationship with myself I will catch myself, or atleast do my best.

    Spiralingly yours, Sanzabooku the Maid