0-18

I drank myself till i passed out, I think I'm getting worse. It wasn't a need for alcohol before you wonder although I admit I consume too much, it was just getting too...loud I know self medicating with alcohol is so last season I should choose a new character flaw that's less cliche. Plus alcohol has so many calories...ugh I need the gym. I dont...like pushing people away I just can't stand them seeing me like this and I know, we all run out of good faith people don't like being yo-yo'd and eventually they stop coming back. I know this all already unfortunately through explosive experience. I was hoping I was getting better, that my rationale would win and despite how awful my head got I could still cosplay as okay and fit in with everyone. 

I feel like a show that's been on too long, the plot was lost and now they're ramming random bullshit into the show yo make it go on, I wouldn't say I'm suicidal per say but I don't exactly like I exist, I hate existing as me, being stuck with the same loop of memories that I can't seem to burn off no matter how I try, a body I've literally never liked even when it was skinny just never fit me, a voice I hate, a loathsome personality. I'm not blind I'm awful, pushy, narcistic, manic. God I sound fucking awful to be around. 

The shows changing again, I've convinced Puppy Paladin to move on with their life get a real job not the hell pit we work in, took some charisma but I know how this will go, it'll go even worse than Lucky. I'm sure they'll try to hang out with me once or twice but then can't find time and then forget me.

Is this the cost to atone for being me? Too prickly for everyone, and anyone who can get close to me I shower with improvement and direction till they no longer need me and I become obsolete. I want out, I just wanna have a steady friendship where they don't leave or my sick mind doesn't make their wanton aloofness an enemy, that's how most people are. Am I really so fucking injured and full of myself I can only trust someone when they bare themselves completely, armorless and candid? I know the answer is yes, I try to be fair by doing it first but that's not how spokes work, just because it's how you measure and exact truth in the world doesn't mean anyone else will do the same. I don't feel sick or wrong, I think I'm just not constructed for my own enjoyment and I get tired of it, so selfish and grandiose but so God damn self aware in constantly disgusted by myself for wanting to taste the fruit of life. 

When I was young I used to dream of being saved, like a princess at the bottom of the well. No one came, not their fault its not that kinda story so I climbed out, chipped nails and scrapes that scarred awfully. In doing so I announced I didn't need help, i don't mean to do it I guess I just give off "I'm fine honestly" vibes, I've always wanted to feel protected, nurtured and cared for. Never happened, I kept being placed as everyone else's keepers and protectors. I don't mean malice and I'm glad I could give, atonement or just part of society, doesn't matter no one's keeping score. Kinda glad no one reads this thing, God I'd hate to be a reader of this blog just some bitch who can't shut her cunt about her mediocre life and how her heads loud, meow meow meow that's how I fucking sound. 

I don't have a plan, for getting better I guess. I've done everything I cam, therapy just makes me hostile and I'm not taking drugs, I'm not ever fucking becoming a walking corpse. Never a-fucking-gain rather drown still feeling like me then die and let someone else who happens to share the same memories pilot this meat sack. 

I'll make some more fun-ish content- why am I lying. I'm heading rapidly to an ATL, all time low and no one can catch me. Not their faults I made sure to make no noise or push them off me so that they can focus on their lives, I've worked so hard to make sure they all have happy lives I won't let my spiraling undo it.

Sanzabooku is from a series of half written stories I did when I was younger never completed one more importantly when I was way more schizo it was the internal magic system I used to process the world some people think glowie CIA are hunting them down, some people think that it's UFOs I had an advanced system of semi-mathmatical demons and lore for the universe I mostly use for like worldbuulding in stuff now, mind you I've built enough rationale systems outside of deep manic fits I hardly even call myself schizo these days, but once it was bad, real bad. But I think it helped me survive my adolescent and make way less attempts too so....measure how you will I guess.  Anyways the name of the demons are Avaricians, I can rant them another time since everyone wants to know me until they get bored. Or just...never do, guess that's why I just lay out my heart for you void, no one else asks or really wants to know. I'm tired of trying to ascribe myself to others, I know so much of them, their secrets, wants, fears. I suppose it's because I ask "surprisingly deep cut questions" but what else am I supposed to do, being so paper thin makes me feel....violent, I guess I can't sugarcoat it to save face, I hate being paperthin with people not know them have them not know me. We only get one spin around this rock and we're gonna sit around with our masks doing anything but talk to one another. Sounds great. Just can't do it. Rather have an enemy then hang around someone who won't let me know them at all, I know thats not a healthy sentence but it's honest.

I've been ranting way too long, guess I'll go like masturbate or something until my head gets quieter, always feels like a roulette am I gonna be able to quell it that day whenever I have an "episode" like today or do I actually doomspiral again. 

Yours until I get off-screen'd by the writers, Sanzabooku