0-17

        Had a bunch of things written on my hand in pen thatI wanted to explore and talk about, then I had a poem I wanted to write. However time is not kind to us who struggle to exist inthe present Ill try to go over them as I recall them throughout the day, as in for my day to day since we last spoke not much to say everythings fallen into the low hum of a rhythm life likes to assume if you let it, the sort of song with no notes, choir or change just a buzz.

Its killing me.

even though I have no pack or pact currently I need to hunt {I need to kill the noise}  atleast what its become, I know its considered unhealthy when you start to enjoy your mental illness but I was thinking about it, so come inside my little pillow fort and lets talk



                    Beautiful Princess Disorder [BPD]

    First all I hate littles I think its an excuse to retreat and hide from the world I wanna make it clear despite me saying pillowfort I ENJOY being an adult who's allowed to do adult things, I hated being a kid at the whim of everyone elses emotions, notions, preconceptions and idiocracy if  I'm gonna get fucked up I rather it be because I chose to and not because someone lacked foresight. Sowhining aside lets talk about it, as I live life more and more learn more empthy & sympathy [the two greatest sins, I know~] learning to like properly put myself in someone elses shoes, I'm not talking just see the parts that are common ground but getting out of my head and understanding it even if it seems asinine to me I realizehow...different I am not some [IM ACTUALLY GOD] I mean like "Fuck...maybe I am a lot" [brb gotta feed the cat][katsucola] so guess I wanted to tell you, my beloved void what its like racking around with this kinda headspace.

The world is glass, no not like im a gilgameshian hero
    Its glass and I can shatter it without meaning to
        So much hurt, shards, I cut myself constantly because I forget 
            Yet being so fragile, the world and all its weaker people look so beautiful.

    So self agrandazing aside~ emotions for me feel like liquid I guess, when I was younger I felt it more clearly and I am again now since I'm trying to get to know well...me again I made a raft for myself, I didn't really feel or process things until I couldn't contain it, till it overflowed and capsized my raft, I'd think I didn't mind till I felt my fingernails rip my palm from the anger, I didn't realize how sad I was until I felt how wet my face was, I didn't realize how much I loved you till my stomach hurt when you were away like a missing organ my emotions were an ocean that I tried my best to hide, I remember how strange it was to be happy back then felt radiant, overflowing warmth from my core to the edge of my fingertips and any other time I tried to be nuetral, cease existing, get as close to dying as possible while breathing because the world was too much, I was too much and the roar was going to devour me and I was terrified.Truth is in a mental health way I did lose, the roar did devour me one summer night in central florida, woke up in sweat tears and other fluids feeling for the first time my heart, I lost at 16 to the roar and [REDACTED] became [REDACTED] and then with time, nurture and harm became me, Malacoda you know today The emotions are still like water but its different now, its like feeling them constantly press against your skin from inside your skin, like a vivid stream across your veins of your opinions, feelings, thoughts and memories. I try to not be an altar to my past, to not be a monument to my wounds, fuck wish I woulda cared more what that psychiatrist said or tried therapy more than once but I'm here now. Its like everyone elses emotions are like paper thick, not saying they are I think ours are just too heavy, forgiving takes years, rage consumes a part of you not a heat of the moment but a seed that festers a corner of your being forever, where you can't just get over it that easy because now its a part ofyou, where the sorrow feels intwined, as if thats the honest you and the happiness is just a distraction so you don't look at the edge too longlingly again. I admit I use alcohol and nicotine to temper myself, I'f like to think out of all us beautiful princessess I'm one of the more tame ones but every now and then I break still, those moments where everyones a traitor and you want them out of your life now, where you can't be understood and it devours you till you crave nothing but your undoing, were you can feel yourself dying every second because you feel it, every wasted heartbeat when you're not doing anything. 

despite all that.

            I wouldn't change a thing 
                I know my people can't quite understand the way I love I feel hot and cold to them, I can seem extreme, too comfortable with violence and overly candid. But I love it, because when I feel joy it permeates through my bones for days, when I love my people its not skin deep, they don't know how much I'd do for any of them but they're the world to me, and as a selfish bastard I do not say that easily every single one of them, even round table losers like Eevee or texas. I was trying to hide my whole youth and when I failed I turned into a dragon, I hurt a lot of people in ways I can't take back, even though they'd want nothing to do with me I often wish I could thank everyone who put up with me, especially when I unfairly spiraled and lashed out and would be a fucking demon for weeks on end. Even though none of you will ever see this, thank you seriously from whatever name you knew me as Goldy, Magpie, Ravaria whatever. Even the ones of you I hate with all my eart now, I wouldn't have made it here now.

    So I guess what is being a beautiful princess? Its living in a glass world when you're made boiling hot water that can shatter anything but because of that everyones so beautiful and when someone is willing to take your burning hand into theirs, you don't have to question it, you know you belong.

lil' fucks got me crying

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So content! thats what we were gonna talk about today before I decided I needed to sit down and confront my demons with an open hand instead of a blade and I was thinking I get the "Content creator chase now" I mean I don't fabricate nor agrandize for the sake of engagement [crickets] exceot Eevee cuz she's a stalker whatI mean by that is its kinda fun to make something to share another thing my younger self would be mortified with also if you think I talk about myself to much correct also why on my blog then? Fuck I'm feeling it mrkrabs. Yeah other topics are

Vampire culture and why its meaningle3ss in universe

uh fuck I can't read the other notes I made anyways 

I need liquor, mama will be back don't burn down the house

I lick-her'd, as much as I'm a borderline alcoholic its for the people, can't drink alone and cant stand being told to leave so soon. I need to find a new pack I'm suffocating.

Time passes and everything turns into a faded visage of want and longing huh?

Sorry took me awhile to finish up, got a lil sick on saturday had to sleep it off we'll talk more tomorrow

Your deadbeat maid, Sanzabooku.