0-14

     Passage of time is weird, some days the past feels like an iota of a sleeping beastie of somekind, so artificial and fleeting and sometimes the past can't seem to stop haunting me guess it more depends on which one of me is the one that wakes up that day in all honestly, tryna listen to all the advice iv'e received this chapter, be more me even the parts that may not be fan favorites, as for the projects guitar is slow but steady I'm just pleased I'm not feeling any enthusiasm fall off, learning Python has been kinda fun its a lot to take in but being able to basically WEILD a type of magic I can actually see do shit is so much fun I hated trying to learn to code when I was younger but I'm having much more of a blast now, just think I wasn't in the right head space for that sort of thing to be absolutely candid. Honestly blog writing has helped in two main ways, I was never good at the memorizing the keyboard thing when I was a kiddo so I never did I wasn't like a key-pecker but my proficiency was very lacking and now I can kinda type without looking at a reasonable rate which is based secondly the ways its assisted is just being able to clearly construct a line of thought and process/plan for myself I've never been a "Show your work" kinda person and that defo hurt my schooling not gonna pad that at all so being able to leave notes so I understand what I'm thinking between different states and arguably makes this doable, uh while I've been toying with the idea of exploring more things one thing is completely adherent and cannot be avoided.

I need more ass

So daily squats it is, no way around it and no avoiding it enough idly wishing I looked like X or Y, gender goals this, gender goals that nah STFU its time to progress. I'm gonna do a workout afterwork everyday cuz while I'm tired its easier to do it before sleeping than tryna find time before work and mysteriously never finding time ya know? I want it, I feel it a crazed deep feeling like fangs and taste like copper and blood, want, true want Avaricious and consuming, undisciplined and yearning and I welcome it, I have a starving nature that may carve and rend the world as I move through it but denying my ambition for the sake of others...well outside of those I consider close, I've never been able to sacrifice allies for a personal edge honestly. Its a manifestation of a lot of internal feelings honestly, I think I'm also getting it, like iv'e known ive always been a person between labels who can't quite seem to find some to land on me and "belong" like that, but accepting that my ability to go anywhere isn't about feeling lonely but the freedom to see and try everything instead, its actually kinda nice. 

    No more wailing tonight its been a short day spent most of it sleeping, I'm feeling closer to better just remembering to fucking hydrate turns out has done wonders who woulda thunk, I kinda wanna bump my E up but thats a bit might get my E more legit pretty soon or switch ways I'm getting it anyways.

    Distractedly yours, Sanzabooku The Maid