0-11

     Falsified Erudition and Glamourized Wounds.

            Sometimes I feel so caught up in my own asinine pseudo-logics and coping mechanisms I have to remember that its all....padding ya know? Life is prety blank, theres no genres, no show, no anything. Just a bunch of somewhat hurt people either tryna pass on that hurt, get sadisitic/masochistic or ameliorate and sometimes the truth of the world is unsatisfactory and frankly? Boring.  Sometimes it happened for no reason, sometimes th magic thinking is what we have to do to hold onto the idea that life will get better that there is a "plot twist" to make the hurt of the now worth it, honestly does it matter in the end? In the granduer of the eon its several trillion years since the start, quadrillions till the end, we'll probably as a race exist for less than a percent of that and as individuals exist even less than an afterhought and with my own belief systems of death I think we get obliterated as soon as we bite the dust meaning thats it, that little window we get is it and for me myself thats why its so important to try an actually live for the whole present. So I guess in the nothing burger that was the first part of this post, everythings miniscule, we're all pretending and sometimes as a group and we're all trying to matter and I think thats what makes it real, its real cuz we want it to, I know way to say a lot of nothing~ But I was just thinking about it today, I know a lot of the ways I talk and think about things using showrunning and game mechanic terms sounds like Im out of touch but for better or worse..I'm choosing to have a tenous relationship with reality? I wanna make sure even though when I depart this conciousness into nothingness that for the time I could realize I liked it. There will only ever be one of me~ [Though you probably could feed all my posts into an AI by the time I reach chapter 3 and make a semi-accurate persona of me, though itll miss the deep hidden lore I'd never dare post] 

    So tuesday? Played Guitar, overslept, dreamt I cured death and ended a several-life long struggle of them always trying retrieve me. Wild ass dreams lately had a supervisor meeting outside of my normal hours which screwed me up since I forgot about it and ruined my sleep schedule with my drinking the night before alas I still made it even if it was with a head full of static and only half mentally present. Oh I have a laptop, I know that was already mentioned but now I must make the tranny pilgrimage to become a programmer, I wanna do asssembly even though that provides no job opportunities cuz...well I just wanna do programming in assembly no higher reason than that proabably do that today after work if I;m not too tired honestly we'll see my chemistry has been all off lately early tonight I was wanting brisket, like a serving cup of mayo and chocolate milk so I had to buy a sammy, salad and a litre of choco and then my body stopped overheating and shaking @^@ felt like I was gonna have an axiety attack wasn't <ideal>...I don't like how this font is making those floating. Anything else today..oh redownloaded Fortinite to hopefully play with Red, I rather they drunk play vidya games with me then send me texts about how they are miserable at bars where they don't know anyone, I swear that panda enjoys suffering sometimes ya know? Oh shit just found and online terminal and tutor system for learning coding all on browser so guess I'm learning tonight no excuses which is something I'm learning to do more and more ya know? I've always followed that actions are louder than words so I'm making sure to follow that philosophy myself, I've always said I wanted to live candid and sincere and this lifetime I'm making sure of it.

        Well thats all for now as much as I love chatting with you my beloved audience I wanna learn some coding while its still hot in my crucible and needing

        Your ever ambitious loser, Sanzabooku the Maid
    

PA: Kill me, this shit is complicated dawg. Still gonna gun for it though.