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     First of all I'd like to apologize, I know the audience right now consists of only my delusions but regardless the main point of this blog is release and respite as well as some semblance of structure, which not posting for two days isnt great so we have a few days to catch up on and will do so in order!

Friday: Friday was a normal day until around 2PM when Borzoid hit me up out of nowhere and was like "hey been a second, hanging with my wifes new GF and you should hang a second with us as well!" And in true tranny fashion the idea was just do something,  anything [?] creative like draw, make some tunes [The GF had a guitar with them]  so we hung out at my apartment and Borzoid offered me some grass, had some and I admite grass just makes me more devious -w- so me and Borzoid had a shot then went out to a food hall to chill for s econd, wasn't bad had some overpriced brisket fries and potato salad which wasn't bad and got along with the GF after we bonded over obscure ideas for dice games tryna make a travel bar style die game, after that I guess my rowdiness tuckered out the other gal quickly so then it was just Starling, me and Borzoid and we were feeling the howl so we got some liquor, drank some got quarters and went to a local Barcade which was super fun actually, played some games, got a cool sticker for my guitar, accidently walked in on two people doing coke in the bathroom and my Zoltar fortune told me to be more manipulative in life, which is a fucking wild take to hear. [This will be a repeating theme and I'm currently confuzzled on how to feel about it right now] then we prowled around, almost got hate crimed twice which wasn't great, we went to a 24/7 Breakfast place, then summoned a ghost which was alright as usual I taunted too hard and they always fuck off, never get to keep them around. Finally around 5AM we got back to my place and split off, she went to enjoy her birthday and I went to bed. So summary notes, its weird? I honestly resigned myself on the Borzoid front but while we were eating she made a point to say [I knew this already but sometimes you just need to hear it] I'm not easy either, while they're doable compared to people in the past for her experiences my BPD tendencies and the fact I don't really have acquantinces and have either ride or die dawgs or the diaspara I don't care for can be challenging, I've been thinking about it a  lot since Starling agreed but Puppy Paladin said that I'm not work just an aquired taste and a nah or a yeah, for me personally its a hiltless blade, on one hand I never have to fear someones intent, I'm too much effort to try and manipulate but on the other hand it's kinda lonely...I feel very of a third kind in a lot of things in life, gender, religion, sexuality and just my role in society, hell even my morality seems to be a genuine gray which makes people struggle with reading me the lack of white makes them want to assume I'm nothing but blood and betrayal but then people who are expecting that are seemingly left almost dissapointed. For the time being I'll take it for what it is, oh and apparently I am very forceful but from three people they don't mind because I know a hard no. I don't feel im forceful, I feel like my claws never retract and whether I mean it or not, subconciously or conciously I'll always tear a place for myself in the world if it won't give me one, I exist anywhere I permit myself to. As for the Borzoid front, I've already like fully mourned and accepted our new relationship type in fact we hada  polaroid we brought with us with 8 shots and anytime me and the Borzoid were in a picture together we always had a line dividing us probably just a damaged cartridge but the symbolism stuck, I think there was the fortune for borzoid which was basically stating that they'd make a new life, I'll miss them but not like I used to, not drunk text miss them, not lingering on my fingertips after we embrace missing, I'll miss you the same way you say you miss me, you sometimes slip and show you care much more than you wish you did but I'm not waiting up on maybes, I'm glad we saw eachother, and I hope we see eachother more before I leave Censor City but I'm proud of you and I'll be okay I won't lie you have an irreplaceable part of my heart, I think you were one of the last people to know me when I was still softer and that year we shared was sacred and much to my dismay I don't think you'll ever truly leave me, all I can hope is I remain a passing thought every now and then. Hey we got 8 months, amything can happen, though you're new life demands much of you and its nice seeing you happier.

    Jesus christ guess I can still be a whiny bitch huh? X3 [I guess Emoticons have to be their own words instead of punctutation if you ever end your sentence with anything other than a period] moving on.

Saturday: Near nothing, I spent tthe day TOILING IN MY MISERY so while normally after I drink I get princess sleep and instantly up again three things interrupted this; Im still sick, its bugging the hell out of me, second is Red my fellow "Alcohol Enthuasist" [Oh which we gotta have a phone call on friday which was great felt like the wild years again I loved it, he's coming down october and we're gonna get matching and cause chaos I'm excited, Borzoid wants to see him too it'll be literally like old times, Starling understands that this is proabably not an adventure for her] has been gone for an age and a half so my tolerance is down/medication and lastly it was enough alcohol to kill a medium horse, not a small one and I fucking felt it -w-. But my guitar came in!! so one more step to maidcoring it up, of and I guess Red is gonna jump both feet into the maid stuff with me, we'll see how long they can keep their pronouns for ;P, [see, a comma look weird there, so emoticons for periods and commas?] need to slowly sticker it up from adventures, put some soul into it and name it as well as learn thats right jumping in deep myself too!! Played some WAAH-frame, chilled, mourned my youth, though watching "i saw the TV glow" did that a little more, also wasn't impressed with it? [this is out of order, watched it on sunday] more on that in a second. since I was in recovery saturday was just rest, games, get guitar, hang with Starling.

Sunday: So sunday rolled around, feeling better alcohol wise, defo setback some of my recovery from the sickness by choosing to party but what can I say the howl chose me and I feel 0% roar right now so I'm straight chillin', we've been watching the bayformer movies and rewatching them...they...are...bad, the only cool parts is the practical and visual effects apart from those they really are weak they look practically nothing like their comic/cartoon versions which would be fine if their persoanlities were matched up at all or if anyone had ANY lines of actual dialog, the first one is the ebst and feeling like people are actually some depth [BTW the transformers don't really do anything till the last 25 mins of the movie] and so after the third [also convoluted soft-recon of megatrons goal every movie "Came for the cube! Psych was sent by the fallen, Psych! was actually to meet sentinel prime" didn't really hold up even though it was marval/disney'fied into oblivion the Transformer One movie they atleast had personalities but we also watched Sinners, genuinely good movie, good twist on the vampires, they felt like just another culture/people not inherently evil just the way they live is incompatible with us which made it much more dynamic. Then last movie of the night, I saw the TV Glow...I liked the sound track, I thought it was a great, amazing foundation to explore a lot of things but chose to abstract beyond need I don't know, I realize my mental state makes more experience things maybe a lotlle [lot  & little] than the average folk, and as such maybe I'm the weird one but I remember being like..14? and violently crying on the floor that I din't have a womb, and no matter what I couldn't change, like a cosmic joke I was put in the wrong body as if to see how long I could squirm before I offed myself, I remember it manifesting and experimenting in ways that you have to when you can't tell anyone because they'll assume its from your abuse or that you're just confused and I just didn't feel...seen? I guesslike neither character felt close to me the closest was some offhanded more of padding-than-plot statments here and tere and the soundtrack, I was a draconic youth though maybe thats how it was for others. Also weak ass ending, 3/10 coming from a Tranny from the otherside of the picture. I got derealization to the point you need anything else to be you because your own body makes you wretch until your puke runs black and red. Maybe its because I had to face that demon alone, I wonder if I'd be softer and a proper girl instead of an abomination if I had a hand to guide me. Guess too late to dwell on that huh.

Monday: That would be today, oh yeah so had a whack dream and TV Glow was also about reconnecting with your truer self when you were a kid and I guess I'm a little coniving and can manipulate, much to the dismay of everyone I play MTG with..oh which I played sunday with my brother and hung with my family, it was a good time-ish my brother got stressed because with two different decks I killed him both times and almost convinced my mom to make a deck which would've been fun Ivan kept rolling his eyes and like...gatekeeping her? I don't get it like yeah she won't like it as much as us but its fun to just explore and play its ya know..a card game, just a card game. We had dinner at mym moms, and me and my mom talked about relationships, remembering we have needs too oh and she's gonna help me get glasses on tuesday which is great mine are outdated as FUCK. Thinking of just writing on the blog as welll, like idle writing Im getting tired of mobile games on my phone to kill time so could be fun ya know? Maybe short stories, try poetry even though I haven't since I was a teenager or anything else. Chilled for the day, then ended up at work oh Starlings bento box came in, so gonna make her lunch so she eats healthier! plus it'll be fun for me and acts of service is a love language I'm tryna improve in.

    Well ramble ends, sincerely yours. 
            Sanzabooku The Maid